Many people begin a new year with lists of goals and resolutions. Every year we go away the week after Christmas with family and don't come home until after the new year, which always leads to me feeling behind. Trying to play catch-up, my heart feels anxious about starting afresh, ready for the unexpected.
These last few months have held more than their share of struggles, uncertainties, and even pain for me personally. It's not something I like to go around sharing with every person I run into. When facing pain and struggle, my instinct is to pull back, isolate myself, and go at it alone. Boy, has that proven to be a mistake for the road I've walked since the new year rang in.
I've meditated on Luke 2:19 more times than I can count where God tells of how Mary pondered in her heart all the angel of the Lord had said to her. Honestly, I'm still a bit stumped by that one. I've always read that passage with the understanding that sometimes when God speaks something to our heart, it's not meant to be shared with others for a period of time. I've heeded the warning from Joseph's story in Genesis 37 where he rather carelessly tells his older brothers of the dream he had where he was ruling over all of them. I get it. Sometimes the things God speaks to me are for me alone. Where my introspectiveness has proven to get the best of me has been how isolated I have felt over the last season. I wasn't even sharing everything I was carrying with my husband, my best friend!
Friends, I don't think this is what God would have for us! He created community and relationships so that we could "spur one another on" (Hebrews 10:24). There is wisdom is sharing our burdens with other believers.
I've learned by biggest mistake was that my outer quietness resulted in an inner quietness as well. How many of us know that when our kids are quiet that trouble usually follows? When our mind gets too quiet, meaning it ceases meditating on the promises of God, we are in trouble. All that is usually left are the cunning lies of the enemy as he berates us with guilt and shame and doubts.
I've felt more confused and doubtful over the last few months because of the amount of change in my personal life. So many uncertainties. So many unexpected shifts and turns. One thing I've learned though, as I've seemed to have crawled out the other side of it all, is the awareness that God sees us through it. So many times I would tell myself not to focus on or be led by emotions. Feelings are definitely fickle. I told myself over and over again that even though I wasn't feeling God leading or guiding me, that surely He was still there. Even when we don't feel God holding on to us in every step, we have the assurance that He is faithful, and will never leave nor forsake us.
The photo above is from an afternoon spent on an empty beach, listening to worship music, crying way more than is appropriate in public, and "commanding my soul" as some special friends put it. A couple hours spent there, and I uttered words that I couldn't believe I was saying in the midst of some very real pain.
"If I had to go through all of this in order to get to this point, and have this encounter with you, Jesus, it was worth it."
Can I encourage you? You're not alone! All of us have walked through some sort of darkness and struggled with feelings of abandonment. But even after the scariest of storms, the sun comes out again. I know when you're in the thick of it that truth becomes almost impossible to believe. One day though, something shifts, the cloud lifts, and you emerge, however ragged and beaten you may look and feel, on the other side of it all. You are more than a conquerer in Christ Jesus!
I'm not being dramatic when I say it was an all-out battle for my faith and my calling! Looking back on this time last year, I can see how the enemy has made it a habit to attack the start of a new year for me. He's after my soul, my salvation, my potential, and my promise. What I struggled in doing this go around was adjusting my posture to be able to address that liar and thief for who he is. I was so distracted by the confusion and chaos, that I failed to remember who I was; who I am! I had lost the fight in me.
Are all the changes over, the confusion gone, and is my life in order now? Absolutely not! Ha! There are just as many unknowns as there were four months ago, only now, I've got my fight back! Sunday morning before church, Judah and I were watching Christine Caine speak at a local church, and after her message was over I put my phone down, and declared to my son, "Let's go to church, baby! The devil can suck it! I'm back!" OK, maybe in hindsight, those weren't the best words to use in from of my child. But you get the point!
There are so many other things I could share about this season, and maybe I will in this space in the near future, but for now, I want to encourage any of you who may be feeling like you're in a lonely season. Maybe you can relate to all this confusion talk. Heck, maybe your life feels like utter chaos. My one piece of advice is this: just hold on. Psalm 46:10 became a lifeline for me during this season.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among the earth."
Just be still. Take a deep breath. Don't make any big decisions unless absolutely necessary. Just wait. Watch for Him. Listen for Him. And if you fail to see or hear him, TRUST Him. Take it from me, though, do whatever you have to do to hold on to that fight in you! Tell the devil to suck it! Remind yourself of whose you are! Declare God's promises over your life.
When you're in the middle of the deepest, darkest part of the journey, remind yourselves of these words:
I can't explain your heart
Or dare to trace-out all you are
But when I think about the road you took for love
I know your grace will stay the path
"Shadow Step", Hillsong United
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